A second beginning, which is really the first, occurring in the middle

(written some months ago)
I have been playing with the idea of writing a blog for several years, not because I am worthy of saying anything important but as a way to hold in my memory the things which are happening around and within me. I want to look back at these times and catch a glimpse of the things that inspired me and the wonderful way that my son embodied love and gave it so freely. He has no choice and never will have a choice, at least not one that I can be certain about, and this is quite hard to reconcile with the idea of free will. I used to think that man had more freedom than I now believe to be true. From the moment we are born, we have either to much or to little, less than perfect genetics and minds and even for the best of us and no matter how much we know or think we know, it is still very little. We have parents and environment to contend with, varying degrees of mental illness, fear, anxiety, war, the list goes on. Elias is a rare gift, a mystery which reflects the beauty of man trapped in a world in which one wants to, hold on to and release simultaneously. For now he is a microcosm of the world, as are we all, but it is all the more clear with Elias. I will never be worthy of caring for him nor am I worthy on my own merit to walk this path which is dark but shimmering with hope.......